As I sit here in Matt’s office writing a new post, its barely after 6a; I know it’ll take me a couple more hours of interruptions and revisions before I actually hit the “Publish” button, but this is my life right now.
I foolishly thought sometime in early January that we had maybe reached the milestone of truly sleeping through the night. You know, the one that’s beyond what the doctor tells you of “5 hours or more” because really, even in my (semi) expectation-adjusted mind 5 hours is not enough. You see, Eva had been sleeping consistently from 8p-6:30a without a single peep through the night for about 6 weeks. Hallelujah!
I almost (ridiculously so) think of my mom life in phases of the sleep of my child. There was the “newborn phase”, the “two feedings a night phase”, the “one feeding a night phase”, the “sleeping through the night phase” above, and now the “waking up between 4-6a thinking its time to play phase”. Guys, its tired around here.
The last month or so, that’s what we’ve been facing. And thank goodness its not every night, but its just enough for me to feel fooled. Does Eva know how much she is messing with me? Especially when she’s talking loudly or crying, I have been visiting her room to tell her that “its still time for night-night”, pat her on the back and sometimes even arranging my pillows and a blanket to lay on the floor in an attempt to model what she’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Wouldn’t this be so much easier if she understood my mom’s advice to “be still, be quiet, close your eyes”?!
We’ve attempted to alter our routine because maybe she’s ready for only one nap? Or maybe she’s teething and just needs comfort? Or maybe she’s about to make a developmental leap that’s taking its sweet time? Or maybe this phase of being clingy during the day is being reflected at night too? Who even knows?! One thing any parenting/sleep/child/routine/schedule/advice site will tell you is consistency is key. And that’s an area that I’m weak in with this whole sleep phase because the thing is, at 4:40a I’m usually more concerned with doing whatever will make her go back to sleep so that I can go back to sleep.
Which leads me to…
Mommying (yep, made it a verb) is SO hard. Gosh, you think you’ve learned something about being unselfish and forgiving when you get married. Multiply those lessons by about a million because your spouse can (presumably) fend for themselves and you don’t have to teach, feed, instruct, discipline, monitor, diaper, etc. The more Eva develops and grows into her own little person, the more I grow too. Being a parent changes things about you that you don’t anticipate but it has also deepened my dependence and need for peace, patience, and energy that can only come from the Lord.
To put it plainly, sometimes the best way to describe how I’m doing is to tell you that I’m in the midst of a “Jesus and coffee” day. And looking ahead to this day, I know that’s what will be my saving grace.